Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Thanks and Giving
Well it’s that time of year again! Time to travel to Albany to spend time with the fam. Time to eat lots of great food and be with my favorite people on the planet. Time to sleep late and jerk off in my childhood home. Ah…the life.
For this holiday post, I’ve decided to write about the things that make me thankful as well as the things I would want to give away. Get it…Thanks and Giving. I’m so smott, it’s ridiculous!
First off, the THANKS:
I am thankful for marijuana. I am thankful to scummy Columbian drug lords that send teenage girls over the border with coke in their bellies, just so I can have a night of craziness with my friends. I am thankful that they take the risk of going to jail, so I can smoke a fatty and eat a whole pizza by myself. Thank you drug suppliers. Thank you for making this world a better place.
I am thankful to the Desperate Housewives for reminding me that the sitcom is not dead. In fact, it is alive and thriving and full of surprises! Can I just find out who killed fucking Mary Alice!? It’s maddening!! Also, I read that one of Bree’s (Marcia Cross) family members is a homo! Please start supplying some answers or I’ll have to chop my nuts off in rebellion.
I’m thankful for Jason Mraz, Nelly Furtado, Linkin Park, Evanescence, Guster, and Ryan Cabrerra’s “True”. You all make me happy with your musical genius. I would kill you with love if it meant that I wouldn’t go to jail.
I’m thankful for the “ugly woman”. In order to make friends with the “ugly woman”, tuck your dick in between your legs and walk around like a woman. In fact, simulate fingering yourself for the extra effect. It’s fucking hilarious every time I do it in front of my parents.
I’m thankful that my brother came home from Iraq safely after 18 months serving active duty. He’s my best friend and my hero and this Christmas I get to spend a week with him. Will absolutely be the time of my life.
I’m thankful that Kelly, Megan and I set out to write a play and we did it successfully. Transfer is Available impressed not only our friends and family, but us as well. How often do three people set out to accomplish something as huge as writing, directing, acting, and producing a show and have it actually happen? Not many and we did it and walked away with mad profits. I said MAD profits.
I’m thankful for Parliament Lights, cuz they taste so super good going down and so super good coming up the next morning. Black phlegm balls anyone?
I’m thankful for Jewish people for hiring a Gentile at their place of business and for treating me with nothing but respect. If I wasn’t a born-again Christian, I would be a born-again Jew. No questions asked.
I’m thankful for the fact that I can jerk off three times a day without fail. Also, it’s nice having gay cum. That means every baby that comes out of my dick, dies before turning my life into a nightmare. Babies are for IDIOTS!
Now, the Givings:
I would give away every thing that Ashley Simpson ever touched. Her voice in particular. I would give her to the homeless people of NYC and tell them that they could do whatever they wanted with her. Which hopefully is something that will hurt her very much. Both physically and emotionally.
I would give away migraine headaches. I’m due for one and I can just see it happening on the day I have to move out of my apartment. I give my migraine headaches to Ashley Simpson, unless the homeless people have bigger things planned for her.
I would give away egg farts. Paul seems to have a never ending supply and I’m so tired of waking up smelling like eggs. I don’t even eat breakfast, so it’s rather nasty to have to wake up to it cooking in our bed.
I would give away my dermatitis. Sometimes it flares up and makes me ugly. I try so hard to take care of my skin, but sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I’m just meant to look like a scaly beast.
I would give away the word “fag”. This weekend my roommate had some visitors in town. One of the guys that came decided that he knows enough gay people to toss around the word “fag”. It wasn’t like my faux pas from last weekend. He genuinely thinks its okay to refer to me as his fellow fag. Fuck the word fag and fuck the horse that douche bag rode in on. Sounds to me like he needs to get a little bit of butt fuck in order to stop his big mouth from opening up in bullshit fashions.
Lastly, in Thanksgiving tradition, I would give away stuffing and yams. Both make me yak a thousand yaks. Every year my dad would make me eat a small amount of stuffing for no other reason than he could. Now that I’m older, I’m no longer force-fed this bread-like trash, but it still makes me want to hurl when I see other family members gumming that mushy barfness. Yams…come ON! They’re just orange and full of sick.
I hope everyone enjoys the holiday. Spend some time with the family and with the friends and make the most out of each and every moment. Thank you pilgrims for your thoughtfulness in creating this holiday. And also thank you to the Native Americans for trying to kill the pilgrims for taking over their land. Pilgrims can be SO greedy when it’s not Thanks and Giving day.
HAPPIEST OF TURKEY DAYS!
Well it’s that time of year again! Time to travel to Albany to spend time with the fam. Time to eat lots of great food and be with my favorite people on the planet. Time to sleep late and jerk off in my childhood home. Ah…the life.
For this holiday post, I’ve decided to write about the things that make me thankful as well as the things I would want to give away. Get it…Thanks and Giving. I’m so smott, it’s ridiculous!
First off, the THANKS:
I am thankful for marijuana. I am thankful to scummy Columbian drug lords that send teenage girls over the border with coke in their bellies, just so I can have a night of craziness with my friends. I am thankful that they take the risk of going to jail, so I can smoke a fatty and eat a whole pizza by myself. Thank you drug suppliers. Thank you for making this world a better place.
I am thankful to the Desperate Housewives for reminding me that the sitcom is not dead. In fact, it is alive and thriving and full of surprises! Can I just find out who killed fucking Mary Alice!? It’s maddening!! Also, I read that one of Bree’s (Marcia Cross) family members is a homo! Please start supplying some answers or I’ll have to chop my nuts off in rebellion.
I’m thankful for Jason Mraz, Nelly Furtado, Linkin Park, Evanescence, Guster, and Ryan Cabrerra’s “True”. You all make me happy with your musical genius. I would kill you with love if it meant that I wouldn’t go to jail.
I’m thankful for the “ugly woman”. In order to make friends with the “ugly woman”, tuck your dick in between your legs and walk around like a woman. In fact, simulate fingering yourself for the extra effect. It’s fucking hilarious every time I do it in front of my parents.
I’m thankful that my brother came home from Iraq safely after 18 months serving active duty. He’s my best friend and my hero and this Christmas I get to spend a week with him. Will absolutely be the time of my life.
I’m thankful that Kelly, Megan and I set out to write a play and we did it successfully. Transfer is Available impressed not only our friends and family, but us as well. How often do three people set out to accomplish something as huge as writing, directing, acting, and producing a show and have it actually happen? Not many and we did it and walked away with mad profits. I said MAD profits.
I’m thankful for Parliament Lights, cuz they taste so super good going down and so super good coming up the next morning. Black phlegm balls anyone?
I’m thankful for Jewish people for hiring a Gentile at their place of business and for treating me with nothing but respect. If I wasn’t a born-again Christian, I would be a born-again Jew. No questions asked.
I’m thankful for the fact that I can jerk off three times a day without fail. Also, it’s nice having gay cum. That means every baby that comes out of my dick, dies before turning my life into a nightmare. Babies are for IDIOTS!
Now, the Givings:
I would give away every thing that Ashley Simpson ever touched. Her voice in particular. I would give her to the homeless people of NYC and tell them that they could do whatever they wanted with her. Which hopefully is something that will hurt her very much. Both physically and emotionally.
I would give away migraine headaches. I’m due for one and I can just see it happening on the day I have to move out of my apartment. I give my migraine headaches to Ashley Simpson, unless the homeless people have bigger things planned for her.
I would give away egg farts. Paul seems to have a never ending supply and I’m so tired of waking up smelling like eggs. I don’t even eat breakfast, so it’s rather nasty to have to wake up to it cooking in our bed.
I would give away my dermatitis. Sometimes it flares up and makes me ugly. I try so hard to take care of my skin, but sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I’m just meant to look like a scaly beast.
I would give away the word “fag”. This weekend my roommate had some visitors in town. One of the guys that came decided that he knows enough gay people to toss around the word “fag”. It wasn’t like my faux pas from last weekend. He genuinely thinks its okay to refer to me as his fellow fag. Fuck the word fag and fuck the horse that douche bag rode in on. Sounds to me like he needs to get a little bit of butt fuck in order to stop his big mouth from opening up in bullshit fashions.
Lastly, in Thanksgiving tradition, I would give away stuffing and yams. Both make me yak a thousand yaks. Every year my dad would make me eat a small amount of stuffing for no other reason than he could. Now that I’m older, I’m no longer force-fed this bread-like trash, but it still makes me want to hurl when I see other family members gumming that mushy barfness. Yams…come ON! They’re just orange and full of sick.
I hope everyone enjoys the holiday. Spend some time with the family and with the friends and make the most out of each and every moment. Thank you pilgrims for your thoughtfulness in creating this holiday. And also thank you to the Native Americans for trying to kill the pilgrims for taking over their land. Pilgrims can be SO greedy when it’s not Thanks and Giving day.
HAPPIEST OF TURKEY DAYS!
